Stock car racers are a very special breed of people who must possess several different qualities, potentially non-redeeming, to enter into the arena they have chosen. In no particular order:
Stock Car Racers Must Have a Slight Inclination Towards Masochism
This fetish doesn’t lean towards the sexual in many cases, but stock car racers must love pain and that is definitely a beginning sign of masochistic tendencies.
Stock Car Racers Are Manly Men and Women
Robin Hood Men In Tights references aside, aren’t stock car racers awfully masculine (or masculine in a feminine sort of way)? Their predisposition to metal to metal contact reminds one of primordial chest thumping all grown up or the clash of shields on the battle fields in Roman wars. Surely they think so!
Stock Car Racers Must Be Unsure About Organs
Any good stock car racer looking to enter the field must have a tentative stance on organs. After all, despite the best protection science can afford jostling and shaking will occur. Organs only love that in an alternate universe. Stock car racers have to compartmentalize these body signals.
Stock Car Racers Must Love Their Parents
It is a surety that all of the young people in stock car racing have to love their parents! Nothing says “You are the best Mommy in the whole wide world,” quite like a blow-out or a last minute crash into your fellow racers!
Stock Car Racers Must Have Young Parents
The prior qualification leads into yet another need for stock car racers – young parents. To break into stock car racing you need young parents – ideally 35-45 (they were young lovers, huh?). If your parents are any older than this you may spend a good bit of your practice time helping them cope with nervous breakdowns or visiting them in the ICU ward in the hospital after their 6th or 7th stress related illness.
Stock Car Racers Should Have Been Boy Scouts
Boy Scouts have badges to display their various accomplishments. Stock cars have hoods and bodies that are so decorated with insignias it is hard to find the car color. These racers are Boy Scout badge lovers who moved from helping old ladies across the street to courting corporate sponsors. The lettuce is the same.
Stock Car Racers Must Have an Innate Love for Their Fellow Man
Having an innate love for mankind is an inherent quality in all successful stock car racers – so much so that it is a necessity. How else can one describe the self-sacrifice that goes into containing this manic need for speed to a race track? It is love. If stock car racers didn’t love people we would all be victims of road rage in the passing lane!These basic requirements for a good stock car racer may seem tough, but they serve a very important purpose and help separate the wheat from the chaff before going onto the racetrack.